Self-exploration on many levels

For months now I have been struggling with many aspects of the person I have become or perhaps always have been. I find myself wishing I had a deeper faith in God. I most certainly believe in the guiding force of the savior yet it's difficult for me to let go of my worries, fears and need for control and turn my life completely over to him. When I step back and look at past events in my life I can see God's workings , his bringing me what I needed when I needed it yet as I am living in the moment I can't find the inner strength to know that he is there with me giving me what I need right then and there. I find myself second guessing him and doubting his existence from time to time especially when I feel he has left me to dangle in the wind alone. Untrue I know yet being the human that I am it's hard for me not to feel that way.
I know during those times I should look to the bible for guidance yet in all honesty I know very liitle about the scriptures and really can only find the birth of Jesus among the books. Sad I know but very true. I want to know more but I am unsure where to look. I realize that there is more to being a Christain then just going to church. And I want to believe that I am making headway in being a better person but more often than not I find myself falling back into old habits and ways and that saddens me.

I want to be a better mother. One with more patience and understanding and each day I wake up with that resolve yet sometimes I don't even make it 15 minutes into the day and it's lost and I find myself yelling and getting angry especially at Little Man. It disappoints me to no end. I love him more than words can express yet there are times when I don't like him very much. I hate that I feel like he's continually testing me over and over again. And the sad thing is I fail each and every time.
I watch other moms who seem to be able to balance so many things on their plates at once and well at one point in my life I deluded myself into thinking I was one of them I'm not really. I want to be that mom that has fun with their children...the one that runs and jumps head first into the pile of leaves or braves the cold to build a snowman with her kids. I'm not that mom. I am the mom that is always saying no...or I have to finish this that or the next thing.
I am so torn by this especially since my wanting to be that mom and then when I have attempted it feeling like the rest of my world is falling apart...ie the household chores, paying the bills and all the other things that go into being a wife and mother. It's like they are warring factions that I can't seem to get to find a truce.

I have let our finances get grossly out of control to the point that there are more bills than there is money. And this time there have been no lost jobs and the like to blame it on...only me and my inability to manage money better. Looking back I have always had this problem. I have never really worked with a spending plan (aka budget) and after 18 years out on my own it's starting to show in all the cracks in my financial life. I am hoping to change that in 2007. It's going to take baby steps to reign things back into control and it's certainly not going to happen overnight but it must be done or 10 years from now we will be in the same boat or even worse. I guess it all boils down to my control freak nature and the idea that I am not sure my hubby can handle the truth about what I have done to our finances again. Not that he's blameless either...he's one for instant gratification as well and I basically allowed him that by using plastic to get what he wanted rather than looking at our money and seeing if and how we could afford what he or I even wanted.
I have been researching many frugal living sites and sites that help a person getting debt under control and I feel confident in the one I have been drawn to. It's the first site that I have found where the owner of the site actually encourages an open dialogue between himself and you. He responds to e-mails and I feel like I have someone in my corner finally that can be objective with the information I give them. So I am encouraged by that and hoping to see some positive changes in 2007 one step at a time.

Perhaps the fact that I am edging closer to 40 with each passing year has brought about this sudden need to reexamine myself or maybe it's just out of neccessity that I am finally doing it. I know I have a long road ahead of me though and many pot holes to navigate I am sure.