Wondering why I should even try

I have no place else to put this so here I sit trying to hold back my tears. I honestly just feel as though I have been blind sided.
Over the summer I felt I had forged a close friendship/relationship with a neighbor who I will call *Heidi*. She has a daughter who is only a few months older than Girlie Girlie and the girls enjoyed playing with one another (that's not to say that they didn't argue from time to time as all kids tend to do but overall I really saw them as being fast friends especially when they both started school in a few years). I also enjoyed my conversations with Heidi. It was nice to have some adult time to kick back and talk while the kids played. I honestly felt very close to Heidi as we had shared many intimate details of our lives along with just being able to laugh at ourselves as well.
I understood how much she and her husband value their family time and I thought I was respectful of that by not bothering them when they were outside as a family even though Girlie Girlie wanted to go up and play with her friend. From my stand point, I personally didn't think that an occassional time of our families being together was a big deal but I got the impression that that was something Heidi felt uncomfortable with. So be it.
So over the summer months and into the school year we (Heidi and I) have spent a great many days together just hanging out, trying to get into an exercise routine again, and just some days venting about the trials of being a mom.

For those of you who have followed this blog even on and off know about another neighbor that lives behind me and diagonal to Heidi. She's a little off the mark and if you look through my archieves you will find a post or two devoted strictly to her. Let's just say that she's a person that I once thought of as a friend but in getting to know her better I found that she and I don't mix. So I distanced myself from her for my own sanity. Well this neighbor has gravitated to Heidi and while Heidi and I have had numerous conversations concerning the fact that she's feeling smoothered by this other neighbor and that wants only a casual friendship with her the other neighbor still prosists to the point of what I would consider stalking....by that I mean this woman will call literally a dozen times in a day without ever leaving a message -- Heidi at one point mentioned that she hated picking up the phone for fear of what this other neighbor might want to talk about.

So to make a long story short...if that's even possible. This other neighbor has basically been eluding to the fact that she feels like I have taken Heidi away from her and that when I am around Heidi won't talk to her. And that I won't wave or talk to her. I don't deny that. I don't do those things because I don't want to be associated with this person and that is my right to do so. But please know that I have never once asked Heidi to disassociate herself with this other neighbor -- in all honesty I thought that Heidi wanted to distance herself. Apparently though she feels as though she is in the middle of something between myself and this other woman. My thing is how can you be in the middle of something that for me doesn't exsist?
Everday when it's time to go to the bus stop, Girlie Girlie and I have been going up to Heidi's house so that we all can walk to the bus stop together. The girls play and pick flowers *weeds really. A few times recently Heidi's husband has been home and I honestly thought nothing of doing our normal ritutal since we all had to go to the bus stop anyhow. Crazy of me huh?

Today was no different. Girlie Girlie and I head up to Heidi's house and we end up driving up to the bus stop as we have done the past couple of times due to the weather or for one reason or another. While we sat in her car I could sense something was wrong but I attributated it to just a bad day -- or at least that's the way she made it sound. Well I wasn't home more than 10 or so minutes when I get this e-mail:

This has been on my heart for a while and I need to express my feelings to you. Since I am not the type of person to say things to people, I feel it is easier for me to write them in a note. I really like my personal time and I feel that I am not getting that lately. I used to sit at the bus stop in the afternoon and read every afternoon and I really need that time. I don't get any other time during the day to do that. I

am also still uncomforatble with the whole thing that is going on between you and J*#^t(our other neighbor). As much as I try to separate myself from it, I am still stuck in the middle. I think it would be best for me and my family if I went to the bus stop alone in my car. I can get my reading done and not feel uncomfortable. I have been holding this in for so long and I end up taking it out on my family. J^*$n and I really do value our family time and it bothered me a little that you came over when J^*$n was home a few times this past week. I didn't say anything though. Because we had a prior discussion I thought that you understood that when J^*$n comes home that is our family time. Holding it in spares you from getting your feelings hurt but in the process I end up frustrated and it's not fair to my family. I'm sorry because I don't want to hurt your feelings. I just need to set healthy boundaries for myself and respect myself enough to tell people what I am feeling. I'm sorry that I let it get to this point. I should have told you sooner but I didn't know how. Please understand that I still want to be friends but my family comes first. Thanks for understanding.

Love,

Heidi

I can't stop thinking about this. I am hurt and I wish I wasn't. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to invest so much into a friendship. This is what I e-mailed back:

I thought something was bothering you especially today. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable as I have said many times that was never my intention.
I didn't realize that my walking to the bus stop with you when J^*$n was home as taking away from your family. I guess from my point of view it was something we had to do anyway why not do it together? For that assumption on my part I apologize.

As for the whole J#^*t(other neighbor again) and me thing I have expressed my feelings on that whole sitituation and while I can see your point in feeling uncomfortable I also have to be honest and say that I feel as though I am getting the short end of the stick. I feel this way merely because from all that you and I have discussed in terms of J$#^t and how you felt about her -- she's not someone you want a relationship with other than a casual one. I felt that the relationship that you and I formed was more than that of a casual one. Perhaps I misread that situatition and if I have, I again apologize.

I will certainly respect your feelings on this. Please know that I will be there for you should you need me in any way but I will keep my distance from now on.

I probably shouldn't have responded but part of me could not. I do feel like because Heidi can be more honest with me than she can be with our neighbor that I am the one getting dumped on. Honestly I will do what I can to respect her wishes, but I will admit to not understanding some of them. From the indepth conversations we have had I feel that a great many of the issues she's expressed are of her own making for the sheer fact that she's about her family but I have some issues with how much her husband is. That's not to say he isn't a great husband and father but I have witnessed that he takes his "me time" while not Heidi rarely does.

So I have to wonder if I am really the person she should be taking this out on.

I don't know if I feel any better or not but at least I put my thoughts out there even if it's only for me.

*Heidi -- not her real name